Day 6-10: settling into normal

Are things going to get harder or is this it?

“That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet,” Emily Dickinson

Personal Pleasure

Sometimes, when Cedar and I are eating the dinner we cooked next to a beautiful lake or river with the sun setting above us, I reflect.

I reflect on the decisions we made, the journey we’re on, and how not many people will ever experience what we’re experiencing right now.

On our last night in Michigan, Cedar and I returned home to our cozy motel after drinking, dancing, and swimming in the remote Michigan town of Munising. I got dressed for bed and pulled out my computer to work on a blog.

Most of it is unusable because I was drunk, but these were some of the drunken words I wrote from that night.

I keep thanking myself for putting me first

This trip prioritized nothing but my happiness

I put myself first in a way that never have before

My happiness is first

This trip is not meant to bring me money or opportunity or professional success

everything that comes with that is an afterthought

I came here to find happiness

To find joy in a life of unknowns

To feel empathy again

To embrace my compassion and kindness towards others

To find the person that hasn’t been bloomed yet

I put myself at the forefront and made an entirely selfish decision that I’ll never once forget

I selfishly decided I matter more than anything else in my life

That I needed to do this not for show but with the threat that I might never find this part of me that is on this trip

This is a bizarre realization I’ve been thinking about since I wrote it.

The line, to find the person that hasn’t been bloomed yet, sticks with me every time I read it. I’m in search for more of me. While I’ve grown so much in the past two years, there’s still a whole bunch more of me to find that I couldn’t find in New Jersey.

This trip is a purely selfish choice—selfish in the way that it benefits no one but me.

Selfish: (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

It feels relieving to know that I made this decision based purely on my own personal pleasure.

I don’t think we prioritize this, personal pleasure, enough. It’s such a simple thing, but it has become a complex choice that people tend to never think of.

You can find pleasure in many ways—through friendship, food, hobbies, sex, money, nature, anything really. Personal pleasure is intrinsic to pursuing yourself. How do you pursue your truest happiness without following your personal pleasure?

Why is personal pleasure so taboo? Why should someone else’s pleasure be held above mine?

I feel lucky to be experiencing such an intense pursuit of personal pleasure. I find satisfaction knowing that I’m my main priority. I matter the most in my mind, and why should that be wrong?

Other people’s happiness can work hand in hand with your own.

Traveling with Cedar, ours are intermingled. My happiness doesn’t outweigh hers, nor does hers outweigh mine. Together, our happiness and pleasure sit at the same spot, and flow up and down together.

Having someone else’s happiness hinge on my own happiness is an interesting feeling.

I can’t make decisions based solely on myself. Instead, I’m mindful of every thought I have and choice I make. Thoughtful of what it will do for me, and what it will do for Cedar. Having someone else’s happiness in my hands forces a sense of thoughtfulness onto me that I don’t typically carry.

What have you done today for your personal pleasure? (Don’t make this dirty, you freaks!)

The M’s

We spent four days in Michigan and one night in Minnesota.

After two nights in Munising, Michigan, we spent our last two nights in Michigan in Porcupine National Park. We were camped in a field between dozens of loud RVs. It was the least remote campsite we’ve had so far.

Part of me didn’t love being exposed to all these people. There was no privacy and no place to pee besides the bathrooms five minutes away.

But the other part of me, the part that loves to watch people, was satisfied.

I didn’t grow up in a camping family. If the weather was nice, we packed up the car and went to the beach.

I enjoyed watching the families at this campsite. Parents and kids holding hands or riding bikes around the complex, it was a peek into a world that I’ve never been a part of.

I love watching other families because I like to see their dynamics. I like seeing how the kids touch their parents, how they listen or don’t listen, and if the parents want to be around kids. So many times I see families out on trips, and it’s too clear that the parents want nothing to do with their kids.

I love finding a family where it’s so obvious the kids and parents only want to be together.

I also like watching how the kids play together.

I grew up obsessed with outside time with my brother and friends. I loved running up and down the street until it got dark, and it isn’t something you see as much anymore.

At this campsite that didn’t have great service, there was nothing much to do besides play with someone else.

My favorite part of the Porkies was Lake Superior. We had two different lake accesses. From our campsite, we had a beautiful rocky shore made of Sandstone: these giant slabs of rock that jutted out into shallow water. We spent a lot of time reading and watching the sunset there.

The second access point was the beaches all along the road that led to the Porkies. We stopped for multiple swims right off the road. I loved how spontaneous it felt.

On our last night, we stopped for a swim along the road. When we got out of the car, we noticed a giant bird flying around. At first, we thought she was an osprey because of how she was skimming the water as if looking for dinner.

Basically, she put on a show for us.

She swooped around the water, then descended very slowly, looked at the water, then rose back up slowly. She was very graceful.

As we were spitfiring different species, this bird could be, she lowered again and flew right towards us. Before flying over us, she swerved and showed us her underbelly. The size and coloring were able to tell us a lot about the bird. I’ll tell you our thoughts.

• The wingspan was very long for a hawk or osprey

• She wasn’t soaring as much as vultures do

• Her size was very very very big

• Her underbelly coloring wasn’t like a vulture or osprey

This helped us come to an eagle. But then we ask, what type of eagle?

• No white head or black body

• brown body with white detailing underbelly

We then came to either a juvenile bald eagle or a golden eagle

• Flew very confidently and surely

• Large

Probably not a juvenile eagle. So, golden eagle she is!

This process is how we figure out most of the birds and mammals we see. Cedar and I both have a decent understanding of plants and animals, and this back and forth has helped us accurately decode our sightings.

We also saw a Beaver! It was my first alive beaver. We watched him swim to the river bank, climb up, find a tree, chop tree down, drag tree to water, swim with tree, chop tree in half, swim with leafy part of tree, then eat leaves. It was surreal.

We treated Minnesota like a drive-through state, even though it wasn’t. We spent a night in this cute house on a lake in a cute neighborhood. I love finding cute neighborhoods that I might live in someday. But I don’t think I’ll be living in Minnesota any time soon.

We planned on camping in Minnesota, but we are at the whim of the sky, so any threat of a long-term thunderstorm has us seeking shelter.

Both of our nights in the Porkies included a couple of hours in our car in the middle of the night because of storms. This taught us that Cedar will sleep through anything, and I’m the one who’ll hear the thunder.

I felt bad waking Cedar up both nights because there’s always the thought that maybe we’ll be fine. But when you’re two people camping alone in the woods, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Our night in Minnesota was important because it allowed us to regroup. I reorganized my bags, we did laundry, we planned the next couple of days, we showered, and we watched Daisy Jones and The Six.

I’ve been working hard not to feel guilty about these more expensive rest days, but they prove to be worth the money spent. This trip will get exhausting really fast if we don't prioritize ourselves too.

I almost forgot! Cedar and I are excited to announce that we got pulled over in Minnesota by the kindest Minessotian man in the world.

He watched my almost speed right through a stop sign and knocked on my window with a smile. Gotta find joy in the silly things.

Thanks for reading! I loved the M states and can’t wait to tell you about South Dakota. She has my heart!

The cool thing about Substack is that it allows you to pledge money for my posts. My account is free to access, but if you’re interested in sending some money, I’d love you forever. But truthfully, you all reading my posts is enough for me. Thanks!